From a seed to seedling...

Let me write my mini autobiography of my gay life in this post. Don’t expect a porn story; it’s not the story of me enjoying gay sex but my evolution.

Rewind….. In late 1980s, when I was a kid still I remember those days when I was into the physical experimenting (as they say in psychology!). Those memories are still fresh, the first day I saw my cousin’s genitals.

It was a wedding ceremony at our home town. The elders were busy with the marriage work and asked us kids to stay in the rooms upstairs thus getting rid of us. My cousin brother, who is a year elder to me, was the only soul I knew in that whole pack. We were enjoying ourselves playing catch-catch. This was when we accidentally entered a closed room to find a group of 4 children all elder to me. I was a little shocked, to find them all standing half nude. We too joined the group, curious to know what was happening there. I understood quickly, what it was. The kids were looking at each others genitals. We didn’t join them and came out.

You might have heard of the phrase “curiosity kills”. So I and my cousin bro just exchanged glances of each other’s groin. This was the first time I ever saw other guy’s groin. Now I know this is called as experimenting, it’s normal and many kids are involved in this. Experimenting in not out of sexuality but it is out of curiosity. I think this was when the gayness in me might have sprouted. I can’t find any other occasion older to this that I can connect to my orientation.

Years rolled by and I entered puberty. It is that part of the life, when you envy your neighbour’s son with a thick mush than yours. Slow facial hair growth was a big concern to me then and every time I visited the barber, I will ask him for a method to get a thicker mush (of course, inaudible to my dad and fellow customers). He would give a smile and say it would grow well as I grow up.

During these days, I could sense the variations in my body and mind. There were hair growth in groin and armpits, my voice became broken and shaky and my sweat began to stink! The changes in my mind were even greater though invisible to others. Like any other teen, I thought that I was the first person to discover masturbation! Every guy feels this way when he masturbates for the first time. It was when I felt a need for a physical proximity of a human body. At this age, anyone would look beautiful and attractive. Little did I know then that I was also attracted to the people of own sex.

In the school, I used to chat with my friends about girls. It is obvious, what kind those chats used to be. Though I laughed my stomach out and throw a lot of self created dirty jokes, I never felt those sparks I was looking for. I really missed that sense of satisfaction. Remember, I was around 15, naïve about sex and never heard of anything called gayness! I had also started to notice my mental inclination towards men. I wasn’t sure whether this was natural or something out of order.

Those days I had to share my room with my sister and we were using a common computer. On a fine august evening, when no one was at home I was browsing the net. I was still continuing my search for a solution to a thick facial hair. I queried Yahoo for shaving. As I was scrolling through the answers, suddenly my eye popped. I saw a search result called pubic shaving which was under the category gay-lesbian. Within few clicks, I was pulled into a website where a man was standing shamelessly showing all his secrets. Oh my god… what is this? It was the first time I ever saw an adult male in his birthday costume! I was shocked and planned to leave the site…but wait… look I am already in erection and my other half was saying just another minute! Slowly I started to surf over the gallery, to see various men naked, solo, and dual or in groups doing something I had never ever dreamt of in my life.

You should know that I have a razor sharp brain (he… he…) and I quickly took control of the situation. I started to look out for the various words that appeared in the website which were Greek and Latin to me. Being a nerd, I quickly referred a dictionary and understood the complete meaning of those words. I think it’s needless to say what those words were!

I created a fear in my sister about the three cockroaches I saw under her bed and made her sleep in the couch that night. Now I can use the PC all alone. My exploration wasn’t complete yet and I was learning EVERYTHING. After spending some hours over the net I was having a better knowledge than the night before. Finally, I had known what I wanted know, who am I! Yes… I had found I was a bi-sexual (but the reality was different!)