How VJ got caught, got wild and got a life

When people interview celebrities one question that usually pops up is about the "Most Embarrassing Moment" in their lives. Then I thought which was my most embarrassing moment? It didn't take more than a second to corner that moment... the day I wish never existed, never happened and should never be remembered. The day when VJ was caught..... almost!

It was in my second year in my college. One year in college had earned me lots of friends. Some witty, some gloomy and some nosy. A twenty of us very close, very free and was a "soft" gang in the dept. "Soft" because I didnt want you to think the kind of gangs they show in films. We were just a bunch of students, sticking together always and spending most of our times together. I won't say I was the leader or something of that sort but a person with some respect since I had topped the class that year. (Yes, I do study sometimes!) Also, I was generally conscious when it comes to leg-pulling. I generally abstained from that and at the same time made sure I was never the butt of the joke. So that was how things were.

One fine saturday morning, I sat before my PC at home. I still remember that morning, bare-chested, with oil in my head I was just checking my mails before my bath. One "good" friend of mine in our gang had sent me a mail with a subject something like "Love, relationship" or something in that meaning. I just opened the mail and started reading.
It was like this:

Try this questionaire based on our so-n-so years of experience. The complex
mathematical calculations will reveal about your future love life and
relationships. It has been accurate for over 99.5% of our respondents and some
blah blah blah.............

I was convinced to take up the test. I really wanted to know about my love life and relationship and I was without any gay friends and felt lonely. Moreover, if it had been something related to astrology or horoscope I wouldn't have given a damn about it. But since it claimed to be mathematical I thought what harm in trying? And so I started answering the questions one by one.

The first few questions where general questions. Then came the questions like
"Who is your first crush?" Roopa
"Who is your latest crush?" Divya
"How many times have you had sex till now" 3 (with my bi cousin!)
"Are you a homosexual?" Yes
"Have you had sex with same sex?" Yes
"How many times you masturbate?" Less than 7 times a week
"In front of whose photo do you masturbate?" "Kamal Hassan" (A big poster of his still adorns my bedroom)

I mentioned those girls' name not because I had crush on them but because my friends used to pair me with them. Some questions had radio buttons (or bullets) and some had text boxes to fill in my answer. I finished the questionaire and pressed the big SUBMIT button. Little did I know that I was pressing the buttom for my own doom. Once I submitted, there came a page that said in huge, black, times new roman

The questions and answers have been sent to the following the email address.....

and then came my "good" friend's email id. VJ got caught.

I was filled with emotions. Was it fury, rage, embarassment, grief, sorrow, vengeance I dont know. I felt like going to his home and murder him in his sleep or jump from the third storey tank of my house! One part of me felt this was all a part of game. The mail wouldn't have been sent. Just a game. How I wished that a lightning strikes him/ or a earthquake destroy hotmail server... only I knew. I cursed myself, him, crush007 (the bloody website), the hotmail (for providing email to vandals like my friend), my sister (for standing in my way) and every object I saw for just being there, for being itself. I went wild.

I had my bath. My mom had to push me into the bathroom, because when she told to take my bath umpteen times I never moved. I was transfixed, looking at my monitor pointlessly as if sitting like that would take me out of the problem. Suddenly a thought struck me, hack his mail box. With this idea, I tried to break into his mail box. I tried "forgot password" option and the secret question he had chosen to retrive his password was "What is your favourite colour?". I tried all the seven colours of the rainbow, black, white, grey the other colours like lavendar, burgundy, cyan, torquoise, canary yellow, shocking red, skyblue (which i believed would be 90% correct but the other 10% was favoured) and all the colour thats i could think of. No luck, all my efforts ended in vain.

The whole weekend was like nightmare-come-true for me. I didn't know how I am gonna face them all. How would he react on knowing that I am a gay? Would he spread the word to the whole gang... yes he would. Knowing what kind of person he is, I knew he won't rest unless the whole college knew it. In few days, my family will come to know about it. I felt lost, whole life ruined, caught in the dark without a slightest trace of light. In all my 22 years (Oops! I let out my age) these two days were the most awful days.

On sunday morning, I decided to do what he has done to me. I sent that stealth mail to all twenty of the gang. And personally called each one of them with some pretext and ended my call with a word to check their mails for some surprise. It worked! Most of them had checked their mails and I didnt even have to open my mailbox to know that. My family was astonished by the number of calls I attended that day. Each one was cursing, begging, some almost crying (gracious god I never did that!) , pleading not to spread their secrets outside. I told each one of them, that I just tried it as a joke but never thought that would infringe their privacy so badly and I promised not to leak their dark secrets outside. One interesting part was most didn't talk to anyother about this and so thought they were the only one who had got that mail. Though I was bit OK than the previous day, I was still nervous to face "him" tomorrow.

Monday came. My "good" friend came and proudly talked about my answers to those questions and praised his own intelligence for identifying me as a "homo". I knew he would do that. I told them all that I didn't read the questions properly and submitted just-like-that. Most questinons had radio buttons and I submitted with the default settings and said his "discovery" is untrue and meaningless. I knew this was a very weak argument but to my astonishment it went well. Most agreed with me.

Then he asked me then if I weren't a "homo" then why I should write that I use Kamal's photo for masturbating. I told them thats true as its the only photo in my bedroom. I argued I never understood the real meaning of the question. If it had been "who is ur fantasy bed mate", the case may be true but this is absurd. Again most agreed with me! Then I asked him to name my first crush and latest crush. He named them. (Luckily I had not typed names of the hottest looking guys of my class who were my real crushes!). That solved the problem!

Most of them were angry with him for his behaviour. Since I had not let out their secrets outside they were loyal to me!! They compared and contrasted our attitudes and rose to help me. After that day, never anyone mentioned about that stealth mail and it was forgotten soon.

After many months, when I was talking to him I asked what was his favourite colour. He said "Fanta colour, why?"
"Just like that!"

The interesting part of the whole episode was the answers my other friends had given. There was one who masturbates twice or thrice a day! Many hadn't enjoyed sex before but a few have had!! And the current crush of most them was "Shanthi", our lecturer!!

Fortunately or unfortunately, none of them were gay! Hmm...

Appraisal upset :-(

I would say April is the most awaited month. So would thousands in corporate India! Despite the severe heat, soaring temperatures, biting electricity bills April is always gets a warm welcome.

Come April, comes Appraisal!!

Appraisals are the time when one has to prove that he has worked so hard in the past one year. Its not just working hard or doing smarter that matters but convincing your superior that you are really a critical resource and you service is valuable to the organization.

Its not just as simple as it appears. If you happen to be in a job that has got appraisals, you surely could understand that.

The start of the appraisal season can be easily felt. You could see lots of huddled groups in deep arguments, discussions over the coffee, discussions in the cafeteria, discussions in the parking lot, over the pool table, in the lifts, stairs, cubicles, cabins, dorms, gym and all conceivable places in an office. All you see is discussions, discussions and more discussions.

April is also the season for rumours. You have the appraisals and the quarter results together. Enough platform for umpteen assumptions and theories!

At last, the process begins. You are asked to describe your one year's work across the various rows and columns of a webpage. You use all you talent to express more really about all the challenges you faced this year and how you heroically tackled them using all your skills. And then you type how good team player you are, and that you are the pillar of the team holding all the weight on your shoulders. Then comes the tasks for the coming year! It runs for learning a new technology to becoming fluent in Japanese!

All done perfectly. Or so you might have thought. You know how well you have done only when you get the Letter! The postmortem of the entire year you spent in the organization is summed into a single letter that could be anywhere from A to E!

Like all others, I too was eagerly waiting for appraisals this years. An oppurtunity to express how much I have delivered and how I outshine others! And then came the bolt for the blue. There was an announcement saying that the employees joined in the previous calendar year are not eligible. "What?" was our immeadiate response.

"You should be kidding!"
"Yet another coffee machine rumour"
"Don't blabber! Who told you?"
"Absurd"

But throughout the day, the same news was coming from various sources. In the evening came the official mail.

I haven't seen a stupidest decision than this that any company would take. In spite of having the highest attrition rate in the industry, once again an infuriating decision has been taken! A person has to wait for 2 years to meet his first Annual Appraisal. And only if you take your Annual Appraisal you get the variable pay each Quarter!!

There was lots of discussions about unions, protest mails, switching firms etc. After a week everything got subsided and we started working as if nothing had happened. Probably, indians should be having some Tolerance genes. Thats why, we can be so tolerant for so many things that are taking place around us.

Surely this April was not the one I waited for.

---> Cupid's Arrow <---

*** Beware: I have tried my hand in a short story ***

Its a pleasant january morning, with the sun rising reluctantly trying hard to drive away the fog over the City. But the fog is even more reluctant to move making the sky a mystic white. Fog over the city is very unusual for the citizens of Madras and its even more unusual to get the flights delayed because of that.

I had been waiting at the Airport for the past three hours for the arrival of a flight from Geneva, and I still wait. An airport official with a rotund frame had been telling that the flight will land in next half an hour for the past three hours. If I had been my usual self I would have grown intolerant by now and would have got down into a fight with that uniformed rascal. But I am euphoric and overwhelming with joy that makes even waiting a wonderful experience.

Laxmi called me last week that the work assigned to their team was over well before the schedule and they are returning a month ahead of the planned departure. Though most insisted that the team should stay for the complete duration and spent the time as a vacation, Laxmi had said a strong no and decided to fly down to India almost immeadiately. The others decided to stay and have planned for a french tour!

Laxmi was boasting to me over the phone how their Boss lauded the decision to come down immeadiately. He should have been moved by prompt delivery of the product and Laxmi's sincereness. But I am the only person who knew the genuine reasons behind Laxmi's prompt return. And the reason is "Me".

I and Laxmi have been living together for the past four years. Once my friend described us as "Two young professionals with high career aspirations but could not reach heights because both are obsessed with each other!!". True. Laxmi is a consultant in a major software company. A work that demands lots of travelling and going places. I am a biotechnologist, locked up mostly in a laboratory with "lots of test tubes and microscopes" (as Laxmi calls it) who comes out only to attend conferences!

But because of our love for each other we had to perform some sacrifices in our careers. I declined an offer from the famous Karolinska Institute, Sweden. Laxmi too declined major offers that demanded service in a foreign country. But we agreed that we would take short term assignments like one month workshops for me and three months implementations for Laxmi. But this is the first time we have been away from each other for four months in last four years!

The airport official comes towards me struggling to carry himself. Even before I could open my mouth he says ".... will land in other half an hour sir!" and goes back! Half an hour more! As minutes pass by the very thought of meeting Laxmi is making me restless. I get a coffee from the airport cafe and start sipping it relishing every drop of it.

The cafe reminds of the Coffee Day cafe where I first met Laxmi. The repurcussion of that memory rekindles the energy in me.

Some five years back, I was an young scientist (I consider I am young still, though I touch 30 in few days!) working for the Institute of Virology, Chennai. Like many scientists at my organization I had no idea of marriage and decided to lead a single life. For scientists, running families is a risky distraction. Our lifestyle and work hours would bore any wife, however patient the woman is! One has to decide, which comes first one's family or the career. Hence most don't marry and I too followed. When my friends ask about sexual satisfaction a body needs I would say, "God has given me TWO HANDS!".

But in reality, I couldn't carry on. A body needs an other body and mine asked for one too! I started chatting, dating and ended with a couple of night calls with strangers. This was for a very brief period and I realised how degraded I have become. Sex is every man's need. But that doesn't mean that one should go to such means. I wanted someone in life. I realised that I just can't carry on like this. I posted my profile in a dating portal and thats how everything between me and Laxmi began.

It was a blind date. The Adyar Coffee Day cafe was fixed as a venue. And a red t-shirt was set as the uniform! The colour red was chosen by Laxmi, as it helps to find a person even from a longer distance. We met on the appointed time. I was initially a bit uninvolved in the dialogue as I was busily scanning Laxmi's sharp features. Red suited the fair skin and the tight t-shirt made me a bit stiff! I was brought back to my senses but Laxmi's waving hands. I got myself in control and we started talking about everything in the milkyway.

The date went over three hours until we were asked (or forced!) to vacate as it was their closing time. I learned that Laxmi was a polyglot, capable of speaking in six different languages and had interests in never ending list of hobbies that included everything from star gazing to dog breeding! The flamboyantly fluent language skill made me feel like an idiot, a feeling I hated the most. We decided to meet again and carry forward our relation.

Our meetings became more and more frequent. Atlast, we were meeting everyday. My frequent absences at the laboratory was conspicous and my ratings were going low. I never cared. Spending time with Laxmi was the only programme in my agenda. There wasn't a single coffee shop or restaurant left in Madras that we hadn't visited. We never told each other that we loved each other but we knew that we were deeply in love. Love needs to be felt not to be told. But Laxmi was just a friend to my colleagues and my family. And same was the case with Laxmi.

One night, we were returning from a night show cinema at Sathyam. Laxmi had offered to drop me in my apartment as my bike was under service. On our way home it started raining cats and dogs. By the time we reached my apartment we were completely wet and it was raining still. So Laxmi was forced to retire at my place. The rains had done enough damage to the city and the power was shut down. A moonless night, rains and a candle lit house with just two young souls. Is that not a recipe for a steamy sex? I would say "Yes" ;-)!

That night was a next big chapter in our love story. The life seemed so happy and we felt we were the happiest people who ever lived on the earth. Two months from that night, Laxmi made a bold statement. "Vijay, Shall we live together?" was that statement. I was startled. I always fancied to live with Laxmi but never expected that Laxmi would come up with topic.

For the last four years we have been living together in the apartment of mine. Laxmi didn't want to move to a new house as this was the apartment where we first kissed!

This Swiss deputation caused the longest separation between us. Four months! When I look back, I am puzzled how I have changed. My obsession of Science has lost its focus. If someone had told me that I will decline the Swedish offer I would have commented it as preposterous
prophecy! I am now what I am because of Laxmi.

The public address system in the airport announces the arrival of the flight from Geneva. I wait anxiously scanning the faces of the tired passengers looking for Laxmi. There comes Lakshmi, waving with high spirit and pushing the cart as fast as one could. I grab Laxmi and hug as if there is no tomorrow. I see the laxmi's passport falling down and opening. It reads " Mr.Laxminarayanan Vijayaraghavan"

*** Would love to know your comments ***

Is straight acting a cowardice?

Last night, I was in deep thoughts regarding my future. I am 21 and in few months time will be 22. In five years or so, when I become 27 or 28 there will be one relative or the other who will take up the topic of marriage. This will be followed by numerous processes which would start from comparison of horoscopes, family status, education and go on to 'Pen-paarkum-padalam' (where the groom's family visits the bride's family) and then an engagement/betrothal ceremony and atlast ends with a colourful marriage with a grand feast! Amidst all this you have so many other activities like booking the hall, caterers, band, pandit, light music, a plymouth car for the procession, make up woman, flowerwala, serial lights and the list goes on.

Seems great to think and write. But all this for a marriage which can never stand! I can effectively tackle all this, but the real test will come on the customary 'First Night'. All straight acting I did so long cannot come to rescue. I need to act again. Act so perfectly that my wife is satisfied. Its the ultimate acid test!

And I will get the result too. If I pass, I must carry on with the acting. If I fail, I will be stamped impotent! Whatever may be the result there are two lives which is involved. One is mine, which I have accepted to spoil the moment I nod for my marriage. The other is of the innocent poor girl who will have to suffer the punishment for a crime which is not her's!!

A gay friend I met told me that he never touched his wife for over a year. Atlast, the girl broke her silence and they are fighting in the court. Another friend who got married tried satisfying his wife. They got divorced on mutual agreement. He is now haunted with a guilty feeling of destroying a girl's life.

Because of these thoughts I am disturbed by a question. Is straight acting an act of cowardice?

I don't have the courage to tell the world about my orientation. Not even to my parents or my dearest friends. I know how their reactions would be. How shocking it would be for them when they know this. But I am sure, never in this life I will be telling them!

Then will I succumb to the pressure of the society?

For long I didn't have any answer. But I need to answer to this one day.

But today I have come up with an answer. It has come up as the product of years of debating inside.

My answer for the question is "No"!

I don't know how I will convince my family but I am sure I will say a "No" when I have to.

In this long journey of life, if I find a man who is ready to share his life with me I am ready to carry on with him.

If I don't find one, I will carry on the journey all alone hoping for a serendipity!

A moment to cherish!

I was thinking about a topic to write this week. That was when I got a mail. It was a mail from a person who was anonymous to me except his writings. I used to comment on it and nothing more was between us. His mail, though very short rekindled my memories of an acquaintance and how it all started with a single mail!

In these years, I have just met some seven gays. This is because I am very choosy.... choosy in the sense, not looking for hunks and models. Choosy about ppl with genuine interests of involving in friendship and may be love and s**. I carefully keep away from ONS.

Out of these seven, the one who I would never forget is Mr.C. I found 'C' through a gay portal. He was over 30, teetotaler (like me!). I found his profile to be interesting. It was neither long, nor poetic. But something made me click 'Send Message' button. He had also put two photos of his. He looked smart. I sent a brief description about me. I never got a reply. I forgot all about it in few days.

After a fortnight or so, when I was checking my mails I found that mail. It took sometime for me to recognise it was reply to my mail. He had apologised for not replying immeadiately since he didnt have time to check his personal mails. He had also sent a brief description about him (which said he liked dark complexion) and a willingness to know each other more.

It was a wonderful feeling. It was the first time, I ever got a reply. Its indeed rare for people showing interest in a person who didn't even post his photo. In case, I ever get replies it would be a plain mail saying "reply with photo!". It was all new to me. I added him to my messenger.

Next night, I found him online. I started chatting with him. He was very formal, didn't even use sms lingo. And this went on, for weeks. In these days, I learnt more about him. He was seperated from his wife and shared my ideal of no ONS! Wow! He also told me about me his past relationship with guy in a foriegn university. With each chat session I was drawn more towards him. He never insisted me to say anything about myself and always asked me to say whichever I felt he should know about me. Above all, he never tried to attract me. He was just himself.

This drew me more and more towards him. He never tried to be polite. If he felt something was wrong, he told me straight on face. He was a bit short tempered, possesive sometimes. He was frank and admitted he dates other men too. All this made him even more admirable.

In the end we decided to meet. It happened in a drive in restaurant. He did most of the talking. Carried himself very well. He was a little disappointed since I talked very less ( Imagine I talking less!!). That was because I was awe-strucken. I was aweing every bit of him. The way he talked, the clearness in his thought, the guiding nature (I am 12 years younger to him!!) of his, the professionalism in his mannerism, even the way he handled his coffee cup pushed me in to a trance. Yes, it happened to me. I never thought such a thing was possible.... in such a short duration. Yes. I fell in Love!!

I came back home in the old scooter of mine. It was a fast and a furious ride. Love... I still can't believe I fell in love. Even at home, I was smiling all the time. I was overwhelming with joy, happiness, love and all the nonsense one could call it. I was insane.

I asked his opinion on me and he said it was too early to form a opinion."Too early?" I thought. "Fine.... I should wait."

We kept chatting. I regarded him as a friend, guide, a big Brother and what not. I told him everything. From the problems in my final year project to my doubts in ass fucking. Family problems to family planning. Everything.... except my love for him.

He was a busy man living with his parents. He was working in night shifts and frequently travelled as a part of his profession. I too became busy with my college activities. So we weren't able to meet again. Though we talked about everything, he never told me about his sexual desires or urges nor did we ever talk of sex between us. But, one night when we were chatting, he told he was tired of using his hands and wished I was near him.

Can you imagine, how I would have felt. I was ecstatic. Yet I told him "its midnight and impossible to travel" to his house then. He said he was just kidding and tried to understand what was I upto. So, I passed his test! He invited me to his home next morning as his parents were out of town to attend a marriage. My heart began running like an unbridled horse. I couldn't control it. It went wild, as wild as imagining myself in his bed.

I reached railway station near his home. From there, he picked me up to his house. As the other day, I was again dumbstruck to sit next to him, but this time I managed to carry on the conversation. It was just me and him. With every minute passed, my heart began to dance. Neither could I bear it any more nor I could tell him. I felt like screaming, 'can't you not understand what I am feeling?'.

In the end, he said he was feeling very sleepy as he was working in night shift and offered to drop me back in that station. I couldn't do anything but to accept it. I wanted to tell him that I love him, long for him. But I couldn't. He dropped me in the station. Smiled and waved majestically and then left through the serpentine road out of my sight.

I continued to chat with him, but something made me feel that he was no more interested in me. His replies once long, cheery and instantaneous got reduced to dull one words like yes and no. He started saying he was busy and couldn't chat much. I too moved out of Chennai for work and couldn't make to chat often. Just offliners for three months.

I tried chat with him but it was never like before. It was dull. I had to hunt for ideas to keep him talking but all in vain. I couldn't stand it anymore and I asked him are you intersted in me anymore? He replied that if he wasn't interested he would have told me str8 and there was nothing to hide. Knowing him, I knew he would never hide his disinterest towards me. But I couldn't buy that argument. I cannot explain myself why there was a gulf between us these days but I felt its existence.

One night, I was online and found him to be offline. I signed off from my usual id and I signed in using my other id which I normally use to chat with strangers. Now, it showed Mr.C was online. It was clearly evident. He wants to remain offline for me alone. Which means he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore. He doesn't want me anymore. It was the last thing I expected Mr.C could do to me! It was a clout to my heart. All my dreams were shattered and broken to pieces. I tried to control myself but I broke. It was the first time in six years I cried.

He continued to remain offline to me for few more months. Nowadays, I find him online everyday. He would be knowing I am online too. But no more chatting. Now he remains just a contact in my list.

I dont know why he rejected me. I dont know, ever he loved me or not. But I know my love was real.

I no longer think about him, but still a mail from an unexpected quarter reminds me that mail he had sent. It is still a moment to cherish!

I am back!

Hello.... Anybody there ..... helllo!!! Hmm.... so there is nobody out there. hmpf!

Fine, I know I am really really late in posting this blog.... over six months my god! Its almost like starting writing from start. My earlier post makes me feel that I am reading someone else's blog but not my own!

I was happy and gay in Chennai but you see all good things come to an end. I got my first job, here in this City and six months has rolled away in a jiffy.

Last night, As I was walking back home I was thinking, thinking nothing in particular but just musing over my own life, college life, family life, this IT life which led to the thoughts about my friends, my orientation and in the end my life as a blogger! Blogger, yes I am a blogger! Yes VJ you are a blogger. Remember VJ, there is something called blog, where ppl write... write anything they want for readers whom they will never meet. I talked to myself. I felt as if I was stunned with a spell. Writing was always one of my favourite pasttime (but only after sleeping and reading). I just couldn't believe myself that I forgot doing this. I was reminded of the resolution I had taken when I wrote my first post. It was "Be regular!"

I started pondering on why I stopped my posts. Work..? Ya thats there. But I did have lots of time spare. Then... I dont have a private system. My system is out there is Chennai and how on earth will a guy write blogs. Really?......um. Partly. But mostly, I am a lazy bum. Yes, I confess. I am the laziest in whole world.

I started blogging to throw open my views, my life (though veiled) to the world, especially my gay thoughts. I am a non-stop nonsense and a typical Indian Chatter Box. I keep talking on anything and everything and even on things that I don't know. But only one thing I could not speak out is the truth that I am a gay! And all I long is for a soul to talk, relate and if possible live. So I write.

I should be happy for what I have. I have got a best family. A typical, tamil, urban family! I have a decent job where I am recognised as the best among my peers. A very comfortable home in another city. With best room mates one could have. But still there is something I miss.

My happiness is not complete. I find an abyss. An abyss that mars my happiness.

I always try writing something happy, humourous. But as I think, as I write the mood becomes sulky. This has almost become inevitable.

Oops... this post has been about nothing. Just announing my coming back! Next time, I will try writing something interesting.

No time to write!!

Got loads of work to do! New place, new home, new work! Back breaking schedule! No time to write.