Orinam: Dealing with family

The extraordinary series  about Tamil Gay men discussing their experience about coming out continues. This episode is about dealing with parents.

Being a tamil, gay and coming out...

An extraordinary video from gay tamils talking about their sexuality and coming out.

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For many years I thought I had deleted this blog but I am surprised to find that it is still live!

I have mixed feelings about this blog as I read through the old posts. Firstly,
there were several posts which could only be described as juvenile and some are cringeworthy (especially my attempts at short stories). BUT, I was surprised to see the clarity of thought in some of the posts.


Since my last post all those years ago, I have moved to a different country (in fact a different continent),  matured as a gay man and going through the long process of coming out! Back then I was quite miserable, lonely and the blog was a conduit for my frustrations of being a gay man in India. I have to admit, I did hope I might find a boyfriend through this blog! (I did find one but not here)

Although I could recognise my old self in these posts, I feel the posts themselves are irrelevant to my current  life. So I have deleted all my posts except the one that is still relevant to me.

The only thing I regret about deleting these posts is that I will lose various comments I have received over the years (some commentators became my online friends).

I am tempted to start posting again but there are so many other things I should be doing!

Is straight acting a cowardice?

Last night, I was in deep thoughts regarding my future. I am 21 and in few months time will be 22. In five years or so, when I become 27 or 28 there will be one relative or the other who will take up the topic of marriage. This will be followed by numerous processes which would start from comparison of horoscopes, family status, education and go on to 'Pen-paarkum-padalam' (where the groom's family visits the bride's family) and then an engagement/betrothal ceremony and atlast ends with a colourful marriage with a grand feast! Amidst all this you have so many other activities like booking the hall, caterers, band, pandit, light music, a plymouth car for the procession, make up woman, flowerwala, serial lights and the list goes on.

Seems great to think and write. But all this for a marriage which can never stand! I can effectively tackle all this, but the real test will come on the customary 'First Night'. All straight acting I did so long cannot come to rescue. I need to act again. Act so perfectly that my wife is satisfied. Its the ultimate acid test!

And I will get the result too. If I pass, I must carry on with the acting. If I fail, I will be stamped impotent! Whatever may be the result there are two lives which is involved. One is mine, which I have accepted to spoil the moment I nod for my marriage. The other is of the innocent poor girl who will have to suffer the punishment for a crime which is not her's!!

A gay friend I met told me that he never touched his wife for over a year. At last, the girl broke her silence and they are fighting in the court. Another friend who got married, tried satisfying his wife. They got divorced on mutual agreement. He is now haunted with a guilty feeling of destroying a girl's life.

Because of these thoughts I am disturbed by a question. Is straight acting an act of cowardice?

I don't have the courage to tell the world about my orientation. Not even to my parents or my dearest friends. I know how their reactions would be. How shocking it would be for them when they know this. But I am sure, I will never be telling them!

Then will I succumb to the pressure of the society?

For a long time, I didn't have any answer. But I need to answer to this one day.But today I have come up with an answer. It has come up as the product of years of internal debate.

My answer to the question is "No"!

I don't know how I will convince my family but I am sure I will say a "No" when I have to.