Is straight acting a cowardice?

Last night, I was in deep thoughts regarding my future. I am 21 and in few months time will be 22. In five years or so, when I become 27 or 28 there will be one relative or the other who will take up the topic of marriage. This will be followed by numerous processes which would start from comparison of horoscopes, family status, education and go on to 'Pen-paarkum-padalam' (where the groom's family visits the bride's family) and then an engagement/betrothal ceremony and atlast ends with a colourful marriage with a grand feast! Amidst all this you have so many other activities like booking the hall, caterers, band, pandit, light music, a plymouth car for the procession, make up woman, flowerwala, serial lights and the list goes on.

Seems great to think and write. But all this for a marriage which can never stand! I can effectively tackle all this, but the real test will come on the customary 'First Night'. All straight acting I did so long cannot come to rescue. I need to act again. Act so perfectly that my wife is satisfied. Its the ultimate acid test!

And I will get the result too. If I pass, I must carry on with the acting. If I fail, I will be stamped impotent! Whatever may be the result there are two lives which is involved. One is mine, which I have accepted to spoil the moment I nod for my marriage. The other is of the innocent poor girl who will have to suffer the punishment for a crime which is not her's!!

A gay friend I met told me that he never touched his wife for over a year. At last, the girl broke her silence and they are fighting in the court. Another friend who got married, tried satisfying his wife. They got divorced on mutual agreement. He is now haunted with a guilty feeling of destroying a girl's life.

Because of these thoughts I am disturbed by a question. Is straight acting an act of cowardice?

I don't have the courage to tell the world about my orientation. Not even to my parents or my dearest friends. I know how their reactions would be. How shocking it would be for them when they know this. But I am sure, I will never be telling them!

Then will I succumb to the pressure of the society?

For a long time, I didn't have any answer. But I need to answer to this one day.But today I have come up with an answer. It has come up as the product of years of internal debate.

My answer to the question is "No"!

I don't know how I will convince my family but I am sure I will say a "No" when I have to.